Did you ever hear a song a million times… and the million and one time it hits you??
That’s me tonight. It’s Easter Sunday. I spent my morning worshiping the Risen King with my amazing church family, and the rest of the day celebrating with family and friends at my house. My mom and aunts just left, my daughter and husband are both in bed and I was browsing Facebook and eating (again!) some yumminess when this song HITS me. In fact… it is still speaking to me. It’s been on repeat for about 20 mins now… and I just keep hearing God through these words.
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life “its” name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
The words “I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about. How You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page” really struck me. I can talk a good game. I like words. I like to read, and I like to learn. Somewhere through my walk with Jesus, I learned more about what He was supposedly like, and less what He was actually like. Most of my knowledge was second hand. Sure, God has done incredible things in my life and I believe in Him. I worship Him and live for Him. But my up close and personal intimate knowledge of My Father has been lacking.
“If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You?” Would I know Him? Would I know the still small voice? Do I know Him like I claim to? Do I know His heartbeat? Would I be able to pick His touch out of a crowd of touches? Am I able to tell the difference between His urging and my own?
I think the answer to those questions is No. Not 100% of the time. My knowledge of my Savior is sadly superficial and lacking depth.
Sure, I am a “good Christian”… but God never called us to be good at this Loving Jesus business. He called us to be REAL. He has called us to make a connection with Him, to experience His love for our selves, to learn the very feel of His heartbeat. He has called us to be His children, to sit at His feet, to rest on Him…. to wholly and solely just BE with Him.
Have you ever stood in church singing the songs, raising your hands or clapping, looking to all the world like you are engaging in active worship and you find yourself thinking about lunch, or the carpet, or the conversation you had with someone the other day? I have. It happened this morning… frequently. It’s like I have ADHD… I just cant seem to “focus”! This Resurrection Sunday I found myself especially guilty of this. I asked God to help me worship, but I found myself not knowing what to do other than sing the song. That isn’t supposed to happen to a worshiper I LOVE to worship. I love music. I feel God’s presence most vividly in corporate worship services… and enjoy our times of worship immensely Today was different. It wasn’t enough… my singing the songs and raising my hands wasn’t enough.
But I didn’t know what would be enough. SO I ignored the sensation.
Now, tonight, I get what I was missing… what I have been missing for some time. I am missing that deep one on one connection with my creator. I am missing my heart to heart communion with Him. It wasn’t that I wasn’t praising and worshiping Him before, it was just that I wasn’t going deep. I was missing intimacy with Jesus.
I asked God, “how did this happen… when did I miss it”? He revealed to me that it was when I began to rely on church services to meet with Him instead of that personal worship time. That corporate worship had replaced my intimate alone time with Him. There is nothing wrong with church worship… in fact it is a necessary component of a successful Christian walk. I LOVE church. I love the music, the time of focus on the Lord, the word from a beloved shepherd, the atmosphere, the friendship and uplifting relationships that are created in a church environment. It is a needed and necessary place for us. But it can NOT be our only experience with the Father. We can not simply sit at His table for one meal and expect it to sustain us for a whole week and help us grow closer to Daddy God. This is where I messed up. I would worship on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings at Youth, and Wednesday nights…. but I can’t remember the last time I just sat and sang songs to Him at home, or listened to music and prayed and listened like I used to. God went from being my Daddy to my acquaintance. You can’t have heart to hearts with someone you barely know.
God has been faithfully leading me right back to His arms. Showing me I can meet Him just as easily and beautifully in my home, as I can in my church. He has been quiet in church, and speaking so loudly at home, or through others at Bible Study, or even driving down the road. I can feel His presence here with me as I type this in a way I haven’t felt in a while. He will meet you where you are. He will come to your room, your car, on your walk.. where ever you are, call to Him and He will meet you! Seek Him always, praying always. He will meet you.
“Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be, The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees”
I want one of those moments. Frequently. Lord, show me who you are… bring me to my knees by your beauty and Holiness.
I want to be close to Jesus… I want a deeper intimacy with Him, a connection that tethers me to His heartbeat.
I was to dive in. To go deep. To find the very heart of my Father and rest in that place.